Monthly Archives: July 2008

artistic PMS

 ” you guys have artistic menstrual cycle…”

This was said to me at work regarding a few artistic people in our little room at work.
How true is this.

Debate: Get back to me.

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descending upon us

I think I zoned out today at work. for like an hour. Somewhere deep in my headphones I found that I truly have been unhappy with this state. both mentally and physically. If your heart is not in the right place, then its time to let it go…( How many times have I been at the receiving end of that line. )

It has been time to let it go since I came to this wide open space we call Oklahoma.

  I have alot of ambition. Its true. I find myself not sharing it with others and keeping my wanting to be social at bay. “For the greater good!” How very socialist of me. I just have felt that whatever I am feeling is not very important to express. There was a point in my life where I felt that my personal abilities would lead me to something great. something revolutionary would happen in this country and I would be able to comprehend the task at hand and move forward full force. I have not completely given up on this foresight. but I have tamed and put blinders on for the time being. If a man is not able to take care of himself in a worthwhile manner than surely he should not administer his beliefs on others. For you Bible-toting mofuckas: “Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye” . You can bitch and moan about my use of that scripture but you will and must foresee yourself digging a trench and staging a campaign against yours truly.  I am disgusted. both with myself and with my so called constituents for reasons physical and mental.

I know these paragraphs cannot explain in full my disgust or even my true reverence and respect for hope,but our world our country our people are blind to the gluttonous material driven inhumane pigs we have become. It saddens me on a daily basis. I wake up grateful to be alive. and sad that unless I am tied to a religion or upper middle class family I am basically plagued with my 20 something thousand dollars worth of debt and cannot do much in the way of massive change until this is worked off. I am baffled.

How do I overcome this. How do I overcome my mediocrity to be something greater physically mentally emotionally politically and do it without pushing further into my growing pessimistic views and rants. How do I become gentle yet strike with force those that are causing my bitterness. Do I go feed the homeless? Do I run to my nearest congressman/woman/machine and share my vision of the fallacies of mankind? Do I put faith in the system to correct itself? Do I look to all my brothers and sisters of the world and place blame but forgive and expect results. How do I move forward with my angst. How do I convince myself that everything will be okay… I try to not judge people on their beliefs because I know that it makes me a dark person. But how do I not judge myself on a daily basis. I can only avoid the mirror so long. It becomes so hard for me to think straight when I have read and listened to the news all morning and realize that I cannot accept humanity for what it is. This cruel beast of misfortune and destruction. and whats worse is my thoughts turn to destroying that which is destroying. Can you say paradoxical…

So I spend most of my days in silence. running through bullshit conversation, sifting through fact and fiction, forming my opinions. blurting out random bits of frustration in the form of sarcasm and passing judgement. I avoid people I distrust, and my sarcasm overshadows their existence for two seconds. I stay in my headphones as if to say: Steer Clear… It probably doesn’t read this way and even if it does.. in my head I most likely have debated much of anything you will say to me and felt you were pretty close to if not dead wrong. ( Im sorry I’m some sort of fascist, you pig. )  

Hypocrisy. It eats at me. It devours what sanity I have most days. Most all of my fears track back to this. I am completely unaware of a way to avoid this. I have tried to live a somewhat moral life. I have my skeletons I have my regrets. I have my loves and lost hopes. I have integrity and dreams and the belief that one day I will overcome this pessimistic view of the world. I hope that one day I can see humanity for its greatness and not for its fistful of deceit.

What I am unsure of, is if that day will be ripe with insurrection and destruction for those who have become too comatose to feel what is left of their world.

I apologize for my rant and not for my views.

If you would like I may be able to design you a soapbox to match my own.

 

 

“If you tremble indignation at every injustice then you are a comrade of mine”

 

Upon finding these on the intanets, I told clint he should make some….

clint says:

i could pull so many ladies w/ duct tape safety glasses

michael sky michael death says:

definately.

clint says:

they’d be like ‘ooo, he’s all safe, i think i’ll put out for him’

Everyday conversations through me and clint. we are so negative that our sarcasm and narcissism becomes a comedy routine. And yet we dont have enough talent to make a career of it. This post will get longer tonite. fo shizzle.

 

I was going to write in this right before bed, but then my computer decided to crash. pure awesomeness. I can’t afford for it to crap out on me right now. With moving and the preparation of the portfolio needing to be in order. I never wanted to be this close to a machine. Not like this…

In other news Clint made the paper. The guy who wrote the article was a dick and took credit for the photo that Clint’s friend Shaun took. I suggest giving that writer a gonker. Nothing like quick problem solving.

Proof that I’m still active to some degree.  The parents were up this weekend to watch our soccer game, I dont think we disappointed. I dont know how many goals I scored but I do know chris got more than one assist and a goal. I think we stomped them…17-6? Lee Bros held it down.

Our house is officially beginning to look. like a wreck.

and so it begins…

how many blogs start off that way. 

 

anyways.

The packing has started. All of me and Chris’s gear has to fit into a 15ft truck, and our two cars, one of which will be on a trailer. plus we are or I have been lazy with getting the portfolio prepared to the extent that I should be. What this means is that I will be sacrificing sleep in preparation, which translates to me becoming this jerk half the time. How other people function in that ” i need rest “mode always baffles me. I think its partly because they don’t care how they treat other people or how they come across. I, in so many ways, have seen how big of a dick I am normally, and adding lack of sleep helps nobody…I’m getting off-track. so we are busy. and probably going to be irritable the next month or so. rest assured it would last long. not like anybody comes around or reads this anyways.

In other news our parents may come up to watch out soccer game. and I believe me and Chris are going to a Red hawks game tonight with a friend. We aren’t big baseball people but it should be fun to get out of the house.

Someone buy me a porsche engine and an old kombi. period.

 

This week is a week of restoration. and sleep. There is a possibility for more lengthy posts later. For now, Im being selfish and sleeping.

So tonite I was going to work on some things that I need to do but instead I got caught up looking at thesamba.com, due to my yearning to own a VW bus. (pre-68 kombi. with the V up front, white walls! ) anyways. So I didnt get shit done. My bad. I try not to go looking around for buses that often because I sort of think I can only handle one major goal at a time. This years goal was to get better at my job and try to move possibly. Me and Chris will be leaving the first week of September to Seattle area. We are gratefully going to be living with my friend and his wife and daughter ( seen below ) for a short time until we get on our feet.We saw this bus this weekend:And thats pretty much what re-triggered my thirst for a badass van. I am pretty sure I can achieve many if not all goals in my life in that area of the country. Mountains, Ocean, Music, (More buses), Grad school ( not In MIdwest ), More Hills, More hot girls?
I dont know if thats politically correct to write that. oh well.